For Sara, 18, life took an unexpected turn when her mum and step-dad decided to divorce three years ago. Here’s her story, direct from her personal diary.
DECEMBER 2007:
The last couple of months have been so bad. Mum and my step-Dad have been arguing. This time, he’s left. For good. I thought it would be just like the other times when he’d come back home but he didn’t. I can’t believe this is happening. Is he seriously going to throw away the last 13 years of his relationship with us? Mum went around to his parents’ house to try to get him back, but his mum wouldn’t let him come home. I feel so upset, anxious even. I’m really confused and hurt. They’re meant to be together forever.
I miss my step-Dad so much. It’s really hard coping without him. All Mum does is sleep and she looks sick all the time. I’ve started helping her out with the cooking and chores and looking after my brother and sister. I’m worried about her.
MARCH 2008:
We’ve received a letter from the bank saying that if we don’t pay our mortgage, we might lose our house. I feel nervous. I feel lost. I thought my step-Dad would keep contributing money for us to live. My Mum can’t raise four kids on her own and pay off a mortgage!
I used to be so close to Mum but she’s not the same anymore. She’s so distant and doesn’t communicate with anyone around her. I think this letter from the bank is really getting to her. I walked through the house today to see what we could sell to make this month’s payment. But even if we make this month, what about the next month and the one after that? If we lose the house, what will happen to us? Will we end up on the streets? I think I need to find a job.
MAY 2008:
Poor Mum. My brother, sister and I have moved into our grandparents’ place to give her some space. Mum used to be so happy, bubbly and full of laughter but now she seems really depressed and hasn’t even come to visit us. I miss her. I hate what has happened. I wouldn’t wish this feeling of helplessness on anyone, not even my enemies. I can’t see us making it through this.
AUGUST 2008:
I know I haven’t written in the last couple of months. Not much really has happened. We’re still living at my grandparents’ house. I see Mum every now and then. My step-Dad has tried to get custody over my little sister but it ended up falling through. There is nothing I fear more than being separated from her. I feel so isolated and so alone. I have my school certificate coming up in a couple of months and I’m not even ready for it. I feel like I’m living in some kind of black hole. I’m not attending school much and I can’t even have conversations with my friends anymore because I just feel like being alone. Sometimes I blame myself for what has happened and wonder if I could have done something to stop it. But deep down, I know it’s not my fault.
AUGUST 2008:
We lost the house today. We don’t have a home anymore. Even though I’m living with my grandparents and I should be grateful, it’s just not my home. I slept with Mum at our home last night. I didn’t really sleep much; all I did was cry and cry. I dreamt of us being together again, laughing and having smiles on our faces. I remember seeing my Mum smiling in my dream, the smile I’ve missed and longed for. She looked at me and winked and that’s all I can remember. Why is God punishing us? I can’t help but blame my step-Dad. If he didn’t leave, none of this would have happened! I don’t get adults. They always make us apologise but they can’t do it themselves.
When the sheriff knocked on the front door, all I did was cry. My Mum has nowhere to go and all our things have gone into storage, which we can barely afford. The sheriff made Mum sign a paper and stand a couple of metres away from our driveway for a minute. That was so painful. I’ll never forget that moment. Ever.
NOVEMBER 2008:
I completed the school certificate today. I kept getting distracted by little things. I’d watch the clock, the teachers moving around or a student putting her hand up for help. I don’t even know how I managed to answer the questions because I didn’t study one bit. I feel like I’ve lost all feeling about everything. When I get home from school every day, the mood in the house is always really low. I’m really worried about my Mum’s mental state and just want to stay at home and help her. It’s a weird feeling. I want to be at home but feel really uneasy when I’m there.
I skipped a class the other day. My friend noticed I wasn’t there and I ended up telling her everything. She was shocked but so supportive. She encouraged me to see the school counsellor.
JANUARY 2009:
It’s been more than a year now since my step-Dad and Mum separated, so I thought it would be a good time to journal. She’s not doing so good. Seriously. Mum is now living at my uncle’s place and he and his family are looking after her. I miss Mum a lot. I miss her smile so much. I hope, with all my heart, that she’s okay. I know my uncle will look after her.
APRIL 2009:
I’ve started seeing the school counsellor at school each week. I’m in Year 11 but not really coping that well. I’ve been feeling really tired and down lately. I’m finding comfort in listening to music and chatting to trustworthy friends. We talk about what we want to be in the future. I want to be a school teacher or a counsellor. I love helping people. The counsellor thinks it’s important that I write everything I feel down on paper. I think I’m doing a pretty good job so far …
DECEMBER 2009:
A lot has happened in the last couple of months. I’ve finished Year 11 (how did I manage to do that?). I feel like I don’t remember any of it though. We have moved suburbs and I’ve changed schools to do my HSC. I’m not coping very well with new friends and big changes. Mum is in hospital. Well, it’s more of an anxiety clinic. She’s on medication to help her out, but I’m really, really worried about her. I feel numb.
APRIL 2010:
I dropped out of school today. I just couldn’t do it anymore. I’m not focused. I’d rather be at my Mum’s side than be anywhere else in the world. I’ve decided I’m going to help Mum find a house for us to live in. That way, we can go back to living together as a family. I’m determined to put the pieces back together for Mum and my family.
MAY 2010:
I can’t hide my smile as I begin to write this entry. We have found a home! The last of our stuff was unpacked today and it feels like home again. The first night we slept here, I slept with Mum. I slept like a baby and haven’t slept like that in a long time. I finally feel like I’m in a good place. We’ve made it.
AUGUST 2010:
I’ve started a TAFE course in retail. Although it’s pretty straightforward, I’m just doing it to pass time till Year 12 starts. We’ve settled down in our house but it doesn’t quite feel like home yet. When we unpacked the furniture, it smelt like our old house. It instantly made the house feel a little more like ours. But it just feels like something’s missing. I guess I’m expecting my step-Dad to walk through the door and everything to go back to normal. But we need to now create a new “normal”.
FEBRUARY 2011:
I never in a thousand years thought that we’d have something to smile about again. Mum is doing better than ever too. I’m so lucky to have her. She’s so special to me. We both support each other so much and my main focus is making her happy. My friends have been awesome, I don’t know what I would have done without them! I plan to go back to school to complete my HSC and then go to university. I’ve realised it’s so important to face your problems. A lot of girls my age haven’t experienced the things I have and I consider myself lucky to have learnt valuable lessons early.
If you’re finding it difficult to come to terms with your parents separating, get help at kidshelpline.com.au or speak to your school counsellor or a trusted adult.
*Model is in no way associated with this story*
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